this post appears in “Must Knows” and “Dear gammy J”

I’m fed up. Relationships in my life aren’t turning out the way I want them to. Why can’t I find someone to love me and stay with me? Signed Love Sucks

My Dear Love Sucks: You’re right. Love can at times, suck.
What you’re really asking your gammy J is, what’s wrong with me and why can’t I keep a relationship? Afterall, you’re the one who’s left with yourself when the other person leaves; and you’re alone again. This is what I call a false positive, dear. Being alone isn’t a failure. Relationships aren’t trial tests, they’re experiences.
And when one moves on from you, it is a beautiful reckoning that the experience was yours to have, but not to keep.

So if you were with so many people who were so wrong for you, I have to ask, dear, are all those other people the problem, or are you? Shouldn’t you FIRST get to know the person you want the other person to get to know?

So let’s start smart…time to exercise to get it out of your system…Tap into your extensive self-dialogue (your go-to spiel) you use to attach an explanation as to why you’re alone: Say out loud your phrases like “once again”; “didn’t go my way”; “failed relationships”{with that ‘s’ at the end); “why me”. Hear all that noise you say to yourself to fill up your empty feelings of defeat and loneliness. Really feel that empty within your being; feel the “what’s the point” spiel you relentlessly ask yourself over and over; feel sorry for yourself just a smidgen longer…and DONE.

DO NOT LATHER YOURSELF UP AND REPEAT. Y-O-U  A-R-E  D-O-N-E.

Dearie, we are all allowed and expected really, to feel angst and sadness when something special we thought was good, ends. But we don’t get to live it beyond that end. Sit with it awhile then release. Afterall, that person you were with has left, so why are you holding on to what is not there anymore.

So that extensive self-pity dialogue you use is resolutely cleansing; but, if you let it sit too long, it stales and is futile. As it automatically kicks in and you indulge in this exercise of self-preservation, you eventually become mentally and physically exhausted; but, with no real payoff other than lingering doubt and confusion.

Welcome! You are in the company of many “alones” who are connected in the exclusive club of being human. We have all been there, done that. We went through and continued onward, and so will you. We sometimes forget that we are supposed to be human; which means getting it right comes with experiences we have bravely stepped into. Being human is a beautiful contradiction in the most intricately, fascinating and complicated of ways; and preferably, all at the same time. It’s intimidating and exciting; confusing and enlightening and purposely challenging navigating ourselves through life. But the way through is there.

First, step out of the hamster wheel and use your vocabulary wisely and properly to create a meaningful new dialogue to replace that other one. Let’s go back to my question, are all those other people the problem, or are you?

Here’s where gammy J knows best, my dear…you can’t be both parties in a relationship.

The person you’re left with, is the one you should be with, for now at least. You are not a true companion for someone to be with because you first aren’t that person to you. Who you are searching and wanting for, isn’t someone else to fill in your blanks and be good enough for you in your life; it’s you wanting to be good enough in someone else’s life and wanting them to validate your worthiness not just a companion, but as a person. Herein, you aren’t a companion to anyone…including yourself…not yet!

And this is where we fail ourselves. The other person is the second opinion for your consideration, not your first. You should be the one validating yourself as a being, and as a worthy being within the relationship.

But when we’re in the thick of a relationship, we muddle self-worth in the same context as companion compatibility. And when the relationship turns out to be an experience to have and not keep, we render ourselves flawed.
Why do we tie into that, our worth as a being, and that somehow, we are flawed? What if you and that other person are just not compatible companions to sustain a lasting relationship? And that’s it! The chemistry is not fusion compatible. There is no “blame” to set upon anyone, personalities just didn’t mesh.

I’m coming in for a gammy J hug…. you’re not broken, my dear. I know how exciting it is in a new relationship getting to know one another; but, do you know yourself first, well enough before you expect someone else to get to truly know you? Why are you really in one too many relationships? Maybe, dear, you don’t genuinely know or appreciate yourself as well as you think. Maybe, you’re too intimidated and afraid of doing the work of self-reflection by asking yourself uncomfortable tough questions to get to who you are. If not you, then who? You shouldn’t expect the other person in your relationship to do the work for you.

We all need a little work, dear. It’s like home improvement, we have to renovate every now and then.

That spiel you beat yourself up with when things don’t go your way; or you use to justify continuing in something; or go blind to; or blame others for your misfortune…this is where you start. Your new vocabulary for your new self-affirming dialogue begins with blatant honesty of what’s not working. And if you honestly say “you don’t know”, then that’s the right answer. Keep going. “You just don’t know why you are as you are. Maybe you’re just not good enough. You feel deficit. No confidence when it comes to interacting with people you like or are getting to know. You have no idea how to disagree with your partner without fear they may dislike you or you’ll upset them or they’ll leave you.” If all you have is questions then keep asking them. You are getting closer to your enlightenment which will guide you through.

You done good, dear. It feels uncomfortable doesn’t it? Exactly! That’s means you’re doing it right. You’re asking yourself key questions you really need to have insight into. Keep going until you feel exposed and vulnerable. This is the smart work of self-reflection. So, you stepped out of the hamster wheel, now be astute, dear. You should have already determined you’re brave. Uh huh, you’ve been in relationships, right? Doesn’t that take bravery to step into a relationship with hope of companionship and future. I’d say even a sprinkle of courage which got you to take that first step. Persistence to get up and try again, is a good quality to have as it plays positively in all areas of your life. Seeking help beyond your hurt ego indicates you care enough about yourself to try and find your way. Just know, that throughout your life whether you are in a relationship or not, you will always be learning about yourself. You’re already brave so you can handle your truth.

Now, consider this; Enough of being so busy in overthinking what’s wrong and get busy thinking what is right.

I expressed some of what is right with you. Let’s keep going. What’s right is that You! are more worthy than spinning in that hamster wheel. You! are learning about you and recognizing what is truly good enough. And what you want is to share “this enough” with someone and feel intimately connected with another human being. And you will. When you are first allied with the most significant being in your life, you! Then you can introduce true you to another and explore those relationship experiences you are wanting.

Remember, forevermorre… you! are the first one who is always there for you! You stand up to lift you when you fall. You’re the one you rely on to get things done. You’re the one celebrating happy and comforting blah. You’re the one who can hear your voice of reason in your head. And, most significantly, you’re the one who listens to yourself with empathy and compassion before any other.

For you! to be so responsible and dependable to yourself, you must be a very special, worthy person, my dear. Now, you must own your real honesty with yourself to succeed in being really true to yourself. Then, you are ready to share you! with another.

Gammy J knows for certain that you! will feel and own your formidable value and your endearing likability when you sincerely appreciate your best quality, your frailty and strength of being human.

Your special someone will find you, and in turn, their special someone will find them… that would be you dear 😉

In the meantime, sit with yourself awhile. Enjoy your company. Smile a little at one corner of your mouth when you realize you are smack dab in the center of the most mundane of moments, and it feels okay. You got your back, just like gammy J.